It's Like Stalker Greg All Over Again

If you bring home a boy from the bar, a cute boy- mind you and he sleeps over, what is the acceptable time when he should leave?  I'd normally say before the effing sun rises, but trying to be a better person, I'll give you until 10 a.m. on a weekend.  Don't lay in bed and make small talk, get the heck out of there!  Especially if I go into my roommates' rooms to raaaaant loudly about how I want you to leave, how I want to go shopping and to the beach, and you can hear.  Don't fall back asleep.  

God.

Attempting to stay past 12noon makes me want to drop kick you out of my bed and never invite you over again, EVEN if I though you were cute and decent in the sack.  

Got it?

Let us refresh back to Summer 2006 when "Stalker Greg" tried to stay over and he got the "There's a dollar twenty-five on my dresser and the T starts at 5a.m, get on it."

Dear Diary, Today I Am What You Say I Am

Dear.. 

I'm going to start off this blog with exactly what you want to hear.  Yes, I have slept with a lot of people.  Most likely, more than you.  But I'm going to address the bullshit that I've been hearing a lot of lately... from the girls who know nothing about me, rather what they're just assuming from my MySpace page, and random joking bulletins.  And yes, my page is now private on there. 

So I figure I'll just lay it all out on the line and you can call me the accurate names.

There's plenty of people out there who've slept with more people than I.  There's even more that have slept with less.  But does it really matter?  In my head, the only thing that matters is one's personal health, safety, and state of mind.  If you're not spreading infectious diseases, and you're not a looney bin... meaning, you know you're making your own decisions, then do whatever and whomever you like.

I have no shame in saying who or how many people I've slept with.  If I did, I probably wouldn't have slept with them, and they shouldn't have slept with me.  if you weren't interested, you wouldn't bring it up.  I joke about it, because I think it's funny.  Would you like me to name names?  How about...  no....  But if you've slept with that "High School Heartthrob, Love of Your Life, Band Member, Coke Dealer, Your Best Friend, Construction Worker, Bartender, Co-Worker, Irish Accent, NE Patriot, Her Old Boyfriend, My Biggest Mistake...." then so have I.  So consider us even.

How dare you say things about my past, when you know nothing?  It's not like your my friend that I've told my darkest secrets to.  But since you so politely stuck your nose in my business, I'll tell you.  Yes, I've had a real relationship.  For five years in fact, with someone I still consider one of the loves of my life.  And we broke up because it was the responsible, the right thing to do- to grow up.  Yes I had a normal family life, and in fact, my parents are going on their 30-something anniversary.  And while I wasn't perfect growing up, I was a misfit-troublemaker that lived on the Dean's List, which has given me the ability to go for my Master's Degree... More than I can say for you?

I apologize that my behavior offends you.  I apologize that what I do, creeps into your daily conversation.  I apologize that occasionally, I like to live my life, the way men have been able to do for years without being called names.  Maybe one day, I'll enjoy cuddling, today I don't.  Maybe one day, I'll call him back, today I won't.  Maybe one day, he'll be more than just a number on a list, but today he isn't.  I apologize if I get bored.  I apologize that I drunk dial.  

Now believe me when I say that I'm not perfect.  I've had to live with a lot of the consequences of my actions.  I've had to deal with lots of drama, in fact, it breeds wherever I go it seems.  And after reading this, don't think I go out every night sleeping with a different person.  I don't.  I rarely have one-night stands.  I'm not against commitment, but I just don't take it lightly.  My name's not.. "Hi, I have a different boyfriend every week and I change my status from Single to In a Relationship every five seconds, telling each and everyone how much I loveeee them xoxox."

I wrote this because I'm not oblivious to my actions; you seem to think I am.  Just realize they're my actions, not yours, mine mine mine.  I know the before, the during and the after. 

Best,

Josie G

Love You Long Time

Dear White Boy,

I hope you know, I do realize I'm Asian,

But thanks for letting me know.

Surprise!  I can speak English.. probably better than you,

And I probably swear more than you too,

Hard to believe, but my parents are white,

Yes, white... blanco, also known as Irish and Italian.

I don't turn flush red when I drink, in fact, I can probably drink more than you,

You can talk to me like a normal person, without a pickup line that begins "Heyyyy, I love Asian girls.  This one time in the Army, I was in Japan, and I just LOVED the Asian girls.  Asian girls..."

I'm not a big fan of rice, and unlike what "Jane O" thinks, there's no such thing as a sideways vagina.

I won't "Love You Long Time," and you'll have to give me a lot more than "Fi-Dollah."

I won't knock you on your knowledge that obviously Asian girls are better in bed-

Because that's true.

But you're going to have to be able to tell the difference between me and my roommate.

No, we're not the same person.

No, we're not sisters.

And no, we don't come as a pair.

"Are you Chinese or Asian?".. I hope you realize that Chinese people are Asian.. and actually I'm not either.

We're not talking to you.. because you're annoying, not because you're white.

We're over the race issue.

In fact, we like all boys, we don't discriminate.

So there..

Thanks for letting us occupy  your time.

Enjoy,

The Whitest Asian You'll Ever Meet

I Heard Your Voice

Pretty sure you're supposed to be in Iraq right now, but you're picking up your NYC cell phone..