What is this, Joan Cleaver?

Somehow in the last month, I went from kicking people out of my apartment before the sun rises-- to making sandwiches for the next day's lunch, folding clean boxers, and asking if he has enough money for the bus. What's happened to meeee?

This is for Erika.

Senior year of college at #50, I bought Erika a bottle of Grey Goose.

Now, at #83 (I think), 17 away from 100, I think Erika needs to buy me a goose that lays golden eggs like on Willy Wonka.

Got it.

Little Boy Plays Games with Little Girls

"Hi Josie,

I told you about my life, my hopes and my dreams.

I told you about my job, my apartment, my family, and my daughter.

I introduced you to my friends, and I met a number of yours.

Then, for no reason, I called you a whore.

Or maybe I didn't, my friends did, but I denied it and let you get upset about it.

So I left.

And now, I'm calling you at 2 a.m. saying 'Hi,' and 'What's up.'

And maybe I'll throw in a 'I'm sorry,' but I can't promise I'll remember this in the morning.

Because I'm at a party with my boys.

And the next morning, I'll blame it on you, for hanging up on me.

And I won't talk to you again.

Love, KayBee"

No One Loves Me, So I Want a Baby... NOT

There's a lot of "Oopsie Daisys" going on in the world today.

According to CNN.com, 40% of the women out there are single baby mommas. WTF. Why?

Okay, I don't need you to be married.
Okay, I don't need it to be with only a man and a woman.

But YES, babies need people in committed relationships.

Those that are lone single mothers that are successful are few and far between. For those of you that are, congrats!- you're the exception to the rule.

I'm speaking to the majority.

I truly believe that bringing up a child, must be a selfless act. As a parent, you need help: financially, emotionally, all that jazz. In today's world, a baby isn't cheap. Why would you want to have a baby, when you couldn't provide it with what he/she needs in life? Yes, I understand, all we need is loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Okay, sure I agree to some point with that. But I-ME-MYSELF don't want to pay for your baby. I also have no respect for girls that use their mothers as their babysitters. She's the grandmother, not the babysitter.

So... if you're 12 and think having a baby is cool... NO.
So... if you're a moron and think having a baby will keep your man... NO.
So... if you're just bored, and need someone to love you unconditionally... NO.

So... if it was an "Oopsie Daisy" moment, think long and hard as to what your options are.

I'm just sick and tired of hearing of bitching baby momma drama... If you knew you were going to be this selfish, would you have had the baby to begin with?

And because I know people who want a baby so badly.. and CAN support it, and themselves. And I know so many foster kids that want parents so badly... These are the people who deserve to have families.

Sext-Messaging

Let's check in on the text message count:

1. "Hey my bday is Friday. Vox for cocktails around 9p.m., come down if you're around." -- An old Kells co-worker that I loved dearly. However, I refuse to set foot in Vox.

2. "Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed, Lil Bo Peep was giving him head, Soon as he came, She started to weep, She knew by the taste, He'd been fucking her sheep." -- Thaaaanks for the nursery rhyme. So I assume.. you're sending this to me... Why??

3. "I don't want to call someone else." -- Thanks Tommy Pickles, I love you too.

4. "I'll sleep in the bed." -- And where else would you sleep? The floor? The doormat?

5. "Well the baby daddy yes, the other is a very funny story." -- My best girl back in New York keeping me informed on the daily ins and outs of my past.

6. "Guess who is pregnant." -- From my very own Mother. I thought she was going to tell me a.) she was pregnant, b.) my sister was pregnant, but I was wrong. Thank God.

7.) "Frustrated with people who flake, that's all." -- That's from NYC Army Brat, who gets mad because unfortunately I don't have time to run down to NYC every other weekend, yet he can't come to Boston.

8.) "Watch our mouth, you little troublemaker." -- How about you don't try to choke me to death?

9.) "Nah, you don't have to say nothing. I doubt KDoll has a girlfriend." -- Oh, no girlfriend... just a baby momma drama... And continuing, "I don't know what KDoll knows about you, I didn't know you two knew each other." -- Oh awesome, at least he doesn't know how I know you.

10.) "All right, tell her about my youthful balls, that will sell her." -- My ex, talking about his ballsack directed towards my roommate.

11.) "And how do you know if I've gotten with a lot of girls?" -- Because I was sleeping over and you invited someone else over.. like I wouldn't know she was downstairs?

12.) "Are you too good for the Avenue?" -- No, are you too much of a jerk to tell people we hooked up when we didn't?

13.) "Go outside and call me back." -- How about you go inside and call your anorexic girlfriend and I'll get back to hating McFadden's?

14.) "You wanna get naked after." -- No. No. and No.

15.) "What's good kidd, what you all girls doin?" -- I'm not a kid-d, and we're doing something you're not invited to. Clearly.

16.) "Stop being so dramatic." -- I am dramatic.

17.) "You should definitely hook up with him." -- My ex telling me to hook up with his best friend. What is this... Swinger-World?

18.) "Damn, I'm jealous I'm sober and lonely." -- I'd say either a.) "Hello right hand," or b.) "Hello girl who takes it from the back in my class," because I know you've got both on speed-dial.

19.) "How come you don't send me videos." -- Because you're engaged, and because I've known that for the 4 years we've hung out. Done. Done. Done.

20.) "You're a nut slob." -- And... Every day I Thank God you don't live on the East Coast anymore.

You Snooze, You Lose.

I randomly found this cartoon I drew for my college newspaper's OpEd pages. The title was "Snapshot of Public Safety at 2 a.m." Although it's 100% true, as I walked past Public Safety numerous times as they were snoozing away at the front desk, I think I was trying to keep it PG, as I definitely wanted to draw the hordes.. or whores.. of girls I saw shoving their boobs through the glass window or desperately trying to flirt with the security guards.

To Whore or Not to Whore.

If you're sleeping at my apartment and I see your status on Facebook as "whoren," I think an intelligent person would assume I'd be pretty upset.

But, then again, remind me... what exactly does "whoren" mean? I'd assume it's the verb version of "whore." According to Merriam-Webster, it is: 1: a woman who engages in sexual acts for money : prostitute ; also : a promiscuous or immoral woman.

Well,

1. I'm pretty sure you didn't pay me any $. (Damn it, because I'm pooooor!)
   
2. For once, I was considering myself not to be promiscuous, because I was enjoying your company and we talked about more than just what time you were coming and what time you were leaving.
   
3. But I guess maybe you could consider me being as immoral... That's a maybe.
   

That's my vent of the weekend.

Side note: I've been known as not having feelings for years, so maybe this is proof I do actually get hurt feelings. [see my above version of a sob story.]